Category Archives: Grinding Teeth

What ever happened to Altair?

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Lately, after boycotting the newest installment of the Assassins Creed franchise, I’ve started to doubt whether more should even be made – It feels like Call of Duty 4 all over again – Great game, overshadowed by terrible follow-ups!

It, similar to the recessive ginger gene, skipped the sequel: Assassins Creed 2. That game was tasty if not tastier than the original! But why has this once prestigious, respected game series been continually ruined with rushed extensions like ‘ Revelations’ and shoddy spin-offs like ‘Black Flag’ – where you start the game unknowingly as a Templar – excuse me Ubisoft? Those are the bad guys, why do I want to play as them?

What ever happened to the excruciatingly long-winded missions, that gripping story line which threw you off balance with masterfully planned twists and turns – too long has it been since I’ve been even remotely interested in what is happening – I’m sure at one point they were space beings, or something…And why have they felt the need to start killing off the best characters?

The simple fact is Ubisoft have turned a promising franchise into a laughing stock literally making people buy new editions just to see if they’ve brought the game back from the hideous abyss its found itself in.

They plain and simply should have made three. – Altair, Ezio, Desmond – That was how it was supposed to go down! Why did they ever feel the need to make so many games about Ezio, by the end he was in his deathbed waving his blades at nurses battling Alzheimers – it was just degrading.

In Ubisofts defence it claims that the games are based around a specific theme (Honor, Revenge, Justice, Answers, Freedom – in that order). But I feel cheated that the modern day assassin fighting in a world much like ours  has gone untold – only then will they be able to redeem themselves for making pansies of Desmond, Altair, and Ezio – a true disservice of the Creed.

New installment “Comet” lies just yonder of the Caribbean islands in the vast ocean of the Atlantic – sounds terrible already – you’re according to various sources playing as a Templar hero – nice work heretics! – They need to step up their game, this is getting ridiculous.

It would be in the interest of all the original fans, if Ubisoft just took some time out to figure out where they’re going with this wild crazy goose chase instead of thinking how many games can we make until we have to end the story; we’ve almost exhausted every historical inaccuracy there is.

Sort. It. Out. Ubisoft.

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13.

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Before my eye line lies a monster, an ephemeral jack in the box. Taunting my needs, craving for more. Maybe my extrovert nature sediments my behaviour, categorizing it into over-characterizing traits. Slowly but surely tearing me piece by piece. The digits 1 and 3 so close they almost touch, fonts equally dictating their distance. An inescapable truth, a follower, but for what – a sign?

For it seems far too convenient for me to think that this is anything more than coincidence, I can only observe. Everywhere I look. I turn my back, looking nearsightedly into memories searching for unrelated clues.  How a birthday or a numerical equivalent of the alphabet can force memories to be depicted and remembered only by one thing. I do not understand the logic of coincidence – fatuous by design, I believe.

It stares pretentiously reflecting its value against itself, often holding no meaning until one is projected unto it. Maybe it’s a pastime I’ve subconsciously retained, trying to associate an unstrung string of moments that define me – how deep is too deep? Draw me a line between inference and insinuation and tell yourself that it can’t be coincidence that we think alike.

Why 13? – If i knew, I’d let you know.

Things I’ll miss as a 90’s kid

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As a young whipper-snapper things like computers were still too expensive for middle class ‘muggles’ like ourselves to have in our home, and my parents didn’t have enough money to buy a television and what-not. Now this may not be the case for the other nineties kids, but, the principle is applicable nonetheless. Before the techno-boom of the millennium, here are some things I will miss about being a young boy:

Sega Genesis:
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I remember me and my brother furiously slapping and tapping ginormous robust buttons, whilst trying to maneuver a stick-shift, joystick – hardest thing ever – but by god if it wasn’t some of the best gaming I’ve ever experienced. zooming blue, pixelated across the screen trying to grab as many oddly shaped coins and defeat the comically large Dr, Eggman – who incidentally didn’t look a lot like an egg. My father eventually became outrageously distressed by something my behaviorally indifferent brother had done, to which he tried to chew and throw the game cartridge into bin, which he missed and thus ended up enraging him more, ah the 90’s.

Fire station play-mat:
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If you didn’t have one of these, stop reading, actually you can stay, you might learn a thing or two about a 5 year old’s 2D GTA. I can’t tell you how many hours I logged on this mat, pretending there was a fire at the church or a plane had crashed at the police station, or a burglar had stolen from the shops – I only just realized how disturbing that is as a five year old to imagine. However, it did give me carpet burn, and perspective, I realized after about two years that it was just a mat, these weren’t real people – the world does sort of work the same as I imagined but at least then It was just pretend, and that’s what made it special.

Turkey Twizzlers:
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To this day, I can still remember the beautifully crispy breaded outer layer combined with the tongue twirling, lip smacking, heart stopping – literally – taste as all those years ago I bit into a good old turkey twizzler. Post-discovery of superstore giants like Tesco supposedly unaware that horse meat had been introduced into the acclaimed 100% beef burgers that they so proudly boasted about, now why did we let that pretentious budgie smuggler Jamie Oliver eradicate them from our diet, when I can guarantee that you all still shop at Tesco. Anyway, farewell old buddy, you will be sorely missed.

Conclusively:

I only experienced half of the 90’s and you could argue that I’ve spent more of my life this side of the millennium, actually that is kind of a fact, but I guess that sinking feeling fades, that sense of familiarity illuminates, and everything feels safe again. You knew exactly who you were and exactly what you were doing. So in 2020 I guess i’ll be reminiscing about the simpler times of the 2010’s – strange.

The Inferno, Systematically Set Out In A Cirlce

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If you’ve ran out of awkward, uncomfortable party communication then, according to social convention, it is customary to locate yourself adjacent from one another and lie cards face down in a circle with a glass betwixt the inner edge of the south and north facing cards.

This inconvenient, cult-like custom has been adopted by university and drinkers a-like, in order to fashion a state in which they can neither differentiate between their innate inhibitions or their overly-eager sexual frustration with their co-inhabitants.

Revealing each card, leaves members in fits of laughter at the quantity of which the participants have to drink; leaving the conclusion of every card a point and stare situation at someone else’s expense. sick really; isn’t it?

The pain of playing can only be compared to the likes of eating nails or scratching the surface layer of a blackboard with your nails. The only way to finish the unrelenting “game” is by unearthing the fourth King from the rest of the pack.

Please stop the obsession. Peace.