How NOT to get a job

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Speaking from personal experience, it can be extremely demoralizing and competitive when trying to secure a job. I’m not even talking about, what I like to call a “Career job”, I’m talking about those remedial and unsatisfying “Micky mouse job”. This is a guide of how to never get employed ever, because in the current jobnomic climate it is almost inevitable that me, and maybe including you won’t ever get a “Micky mouse job” – some of you might consider this advantageous, but, believe me the world revolves around money.

About you: 

To achieve maximum rejection, when speaking about oneself it is best to sound as pretentious as possible, god knows they wouldn’t want anyone intelligent to work in their hellish institution and don’t even dare let them know you’re genuine and unique because every employer knows that is the sign of psychotic employee.  Honesty can be your one way ticket to dismissal-ville, a good old trick to deter those pesky employers and their power to allow you to earn money – inconsiderate.

Skills: 

It is always good to have a large range of skills up your sleeve to impress your employer: Climbing trees, opening a bottle with a lighter, taking two attempts to open the freezer, being able to hold your breath for a minute, extremely neat handwriting, being able to do a handstand, being able to catch three pennies one after the other and juggling. These practical accomplishments will astonish and exclusively discourage anyone from employing you – mission accomplished.

Education: 

Nothing is more valued to an employer than an extensive education, so if you’ve got straight A’s you’ve just secured yourself a position last in line for the candidates they’re actually considering, because they all know that who better to go on and do something great than the punk with straight A’s – where do they get off?

Hobbies:

The thing about getting a job is it is almost impossible to preempt what they actually want from you (other than your soul and social life) so providing hobbies gives them an inside look at what you personally find worthwhile, so to solidify the chances of your CV being crumpled and thrown in the waste paper bin. You should include unbelievable hobbies such as playing a sport or playing an instrument which is bound to ruin your chances of getting a job due to your lack of ingenuity – right, right!

Responsibilities: 

Lets face it, after what are you trying to prove, that you are competent and able to hear, that you can be a good lacky and do what you’re told. Well here are my responsibilities: I feed myself, I can talk, I have ears and can in fact hear using them, I have eyes and can see. Giving them a list like this will certainly prove a point, but no good idea goes without a hitch, so to top it off you could mention that you are not even responsible for you’re own breathing and that your organs are doing it for you – you irresponsible P****

Thanks society.

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